Rough Week?

This past week has been a little bit rough for me. I’ve been struggling with body image and not wanting to eat again. Only people who have been where I’ve been (and am now) with different disordered eating problems can truly understand what it feels like. How it feels to feel absolutely disgusting and gross after every meal. Despite feeling this way, I have managed to eat most everything I need to, except a few skipped snacks, but my 3 main meals have been eaten and kept down.

Thanksgiving was extremely overwhelming for me (as I’m sure it is for most people with disordered eating.) And it was my first Thanksgiving with my family being aware of my eating disorder. Sitting down to eat I felt like I was going to cry. I already didn’t want to eat, but I defnitely did NOT want to eat sitting with 10 other people either. I managed to eat a fair amount and keep it down. Talking after everyone was done eating helped a lot to distract me and I talked to my grandma about our possibility of training and showing a boxer puppy together next year. That was exciting, but now it’s a wait and see game! The breeder we’ve been talking to probably won’t breed the dam until March 2010. Seems like forever away, but this year has blown by so fast so I’m sure it won’t seem like that long.

This weekend has been nice. I stayed with my “sister” Diane Thursday night and we got to talk a little bit. Friday and Saturday(tonight) I’m staying with my brother Brandon and sis in law Angie. It’s been really good to spend time with people I love. And just as a note; my brother Brandon is graduating from the Butte County Police Academy on December 10th! I am so proud of him and I love my big brother so much! Congratulations Bran! 

This week I’m stepping down at Summit so I’ll only be going Monday, Wednesday and Thursdays. My therapist, Katie left, so this week I will be starting to see Jenn, another therapist there at Summit. Wish me luck!

More Later,

Hugs xxx

Kaitlyn

November 23rd, 2009

Because I can’t think of a creative title right now!

I’ve been doing okay, going to Summit has been helping a lot, as much as I dislike going. These past few days I’ve actually been talking in groups instead of keeping to myself the whole time. Next week I may be moving down to going three times a week. This week I’m only going for one day. Was supposed to go today but didn’t… A few weeks ago they moved me down to four days a week. Bad news is now that I love my therapist and have started working on trauma with her, she’s moving on to another job this week. So, starting all over again! One of the other ladies at Summit will be my therapist. This will be #13. I think that’s enough!!!

My body is a mess!!! End of October I started having sharp pain every time I would eat. Everyday it gradually got worse and I ended up going to a surgeon, who scheduled the surgery for that next Wednesday, November 4th. Later to find out my insurance had sent me to the wrong surgeon! HealthNet tried to find a pediatric surgeon, but they wouldn’t take me because I’ll be 18 in December. So HealthNet’s M.D. pretty much blew me off and said go to the ER if the pain got bad (which it already was). So, Thursday the 5th we went to UC Davis ER because my pain had gotten worse and at this point I couldn’t keep any food down from the nausea. They admitted me and gave me morphine and dilotted for the pain. Their GI doctors wouldn’t do my surgery since I had my Gastric Bypass at Stanford. So the trauma surgery team ended up taking me on, but couldn’t do the surgery until they could squeeze me in since I wasn’t really a “trauma” case. They kept me on pain medicine and IV fluids on Friday and took me in for surgery Saturday morning around 8:00am. I stayed that night (which was THE worst night I have EVER spent in a hospital) and went home Sunday afternoon. So, surgery #10 down. How many to go before I can be HEALTHY?

I already have three doctors appointments scheduled for December. It’s crazy.

December 7th – GYN ,December 18th – Stanford/Gastric Bypass Stuff, and December 21st – GI Doctor. And I’m having my birthday party in Chico on December 12th, and my party for my Sacramento friends on December 16th (my actual birthday). Besides being a “legal adult” I don’t see any other benefits to being 18 years old. I think it doesn’t feel like that big a deal to me because I often times forget I’m even that young!!! hah.

Sunday morning I went on a trail ride with my big sister (not really) Jenni =) That was SO fun! I forgot how much I missed being around the horses. There is nothing that can describe that feeling you get when you’re on the back of a horse. And if you’ve never been on a horse, you probably have no clue what I’m talking about and think I’m crazy! hehe So I got to ride Rusty, the paint horse I love (even though he’s a you-know-what sometimes!). It was good, I’ll be going out again soon, as long as the weather permits!

Also, last Thursday I finally went back to school! Yes, I know, FINALLY! I took four tests and did well on all of them. Still have one more unit to test on, then it’s time to crack open the text books again!

So, that’s enough about me, how’s everyone else?

Hugs,

Kaitlyn

PS. Here are some pretty recent pictures, since I haven’t posted pictures in awhile!

Life? Where Did You Go?!?

Hi All,

It’s been a long few months! After I got home from CFD on August 18th, I was going to Summit Eating Disorders Outpatient Program for 8-12 hours a day. The first day I was at Summit, we went out to lunch at an Asian Noodle Bar. I was scared to death because I knew Asian food made my mom sick after her surgery…and I’d never eaten noodles before. I refused to eat lunch, and that is what started me on my backwards road from recovery.

After several times of refusing foods I didn’t think I could eat, Summit staff told me that I would not be able to stay in their progam. My mom picked me up mid-day Wednesday August 26th and I was at home (by myself most the time) for about a week. If you know anything about bulimia or eating disorders, you know this is a recipe for disaster!

It only took a week for me to get even worse than I was before I went to CFD. I’m not going to say I was right back to where I started, I wasn’t. I still had learned and was knowledgable of what I needed to do…I just didn’t think I had the strength to do it. After a clinic appointment with Dr. Peebles, I was sent back to the CCP unit at Lucile Packard. I ate everything while I was there, took my meds, the whole bit. I only stayed five days, and went back home for a week.

At home,  I was restricting my food intake, and my depression was really bad. I honestly saw no point in living anymore. I was sent back to CFD on Friday September 18th. I guess I just needed a little help getting back on my feet and believing in myself. I think it helped a lot.

I came home on October 12th, and started at Summit the next morning. I was a little nervous about going back, but it has been going really well so far! I started out going Monday-Friday from 8-11 or 12 everyday. Next week I will be going four days a week, since I am doing so well! I never thought I would get to this point. Ever. Finally seeing a tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel…

And of course, there’s always another health issue. I’ve been getting pain and nausea everytime I eat. We went to the ER after I got so nauseous I turned a shade of green (I didn’t see it, but that’s what the nurse told me) and the doctor at the ER did an ultrasound of my gallbladder, which has gallstones. So hopefully I will see a surgeon this week (still fighting with the insurance about that) and get this surgery over with soon, so I can get back to my recovery! Because being nauseous everytime you eat does NOT help with an eating disorder recovery.

Also, check out my other blog to read about my new puppy! http://kaitlynsguidedogs.wordpress.com/

Hugs,

Kaitlyn

Whoa. Time OUT!

Wow…okay… I don’t even know where to start. I am SUPER tired right now, so this will be a quick update. I just got home today from CFD, a residential treatment program for eating disorders. I am doing SO much better now and am SO happy I got the opportunity to go there.

I went to Stanford clinic June 26th and was admitted back to CCP. I stayed there for 20 days, and then went straight to CFD from there. Just got back home today! Starting at Summit Partial program tomorrow morning!

Night all!

Life.

Hi all,

I am at a very difficult stage in life right now. All I need are prayers, love, and support. Let me know when I cross your mind, or let me know that you love me. These simple gestures really mean a lot to me, especially in this time in my life.

Always,

Kaitlyn

Life Update

Me And My Sister!

I went back to the LPCH hospital on April 23rd. I was given another IV because I was severely dehydrated again. No surprise there. Then they transferred me over to another hospital called El Camino Hospital. Stanford rents out two units over there. One of which is called Comprehensive Care Program (CCP).

They put me in this unit which is for teens with eating disorders. I have to say I was very skeptical at first, and well…kind of pissed off they put me there. But I really think it helped me a little bit. At first, The nurses were all being very pushy telling me to drink more and didn’t understand gastric bypass surgery in the least. I got very frustrated and tired of telling each nurse everything they needed to know to take care of me.

I was there until May 2nd, when I was just starting to make progress with some pureed food and working with a counselor and Occupational Therapist to work through the pain. My insurance decided that I didn’t need “rehab” and wouldn’t answer the doctors calls. Three of my doctors and my surgeon were willing to have a conference call with the health insurance and they still did not answer the calls. I still have several doctors that want me to go back to CCP and they are still fighting with the insurance.

My insurace (Healthy Families/ HealthNet) has told my doctors that “Letting me go to Stanford and have surgery was a slip up in their paperwork.” And they no longer want to cover followup visits. Well guess what people, I HAVE to go back to Stanford now, whether you like it or not! So it looks like we’re in for another insurance fight.

As of right now, I’ve been in Chico for the past week and am going to stay for another week. I had an appointment at Stanford on the 20th but it was changed to the 27th because the adult surgeon, Dr. Morton won’t be there on the 20th. (who I have to see now, also because the pediactric surgeons don’t know what the hell to do with me). I think being in Chico has been really good for me. My sister, Angie is helping me a lot. She keeps me going.

After I got home from the hospital, (yes, I admit it) I gave up. Everything. All I was doing was sleeping all day, occasionally taking a walk. I stopped taking all my medication cold turkey and was drinking maybe 3 oz a day and half of a nutritional drink, which is about 100 calories. I’m doing a lot better than I was. I’m drinking 3-4 nutritional drinks per day and drinking 30-50 ounces a day. And with a lot of pushing from Angie I’m cautiously trying to eat a few foods. Honestly though, the smell of food makes me nauseious.

On top of all of this, Dr. Morton saw me on May 6th. He said if my pain and burning in my stomach had not gone away by the 20th (now the 27th) he wants to do an exploratory surgery and go into my closed off stomach and intestines.

Oh, and just for the icing on the cake, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life and put my baby girl, Daisy, to sleep on May 9th. She was 8 years old and had a bone tumor in her shoulder that was causing her a lot of pain. I love you baby and I miss you…

Daisy December 16th, 2000 – May 9th, 2009

One of the pictures Angie took of me out at Chico State.

Doctors, Hospitals, Pain, Oh My!

So…where to start? Hmm, I guess the beginning is always a good spot.

Thursday the 26th at 1:00am I woke up with a stabbing pain in my stomach. The pain gradually has gotten worse and worse. It hurt to drink, so I hadn’t drank much since Thursday and was “white as a ghost” according to my mom. I felt like I was going to blackout at any moment and barely made it into the hospital.

Saturday,the 28th at about 1:30 in the afternoon we ended up in the UC Davis Emergency Department. I was pale and ready to pass out, so after waiting for about an hour they let me lie down on a gourney in the hallway of the Pediatrics ED.

They immediately got an IV in me and a doctor came in and assessed me and my pain. They gave me dilotted (ugh, I hate the feeling of that stuff through the IV!) which makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode, but does help the pain immensely.

So, that knocked me out for a couple hours… a GI doctor came in and wasn’t very friendly. He asked my mom why we didn’t just have the surgery at UC Davis and was very nasty about it. Well, I didn’t go to UC Davis because they don’t do Pediatrics! After that, the GI doctor left and we didn’t hear from anyone until about 10:00pm when my nurse told my mom that they were admitting me to the hospital. I didn’t get up to a room until 12:30am!

We sat around at UC Davis for all day Sunday. The nurses were not very friendly, however I am comparing them to the Pediatric nurses I had at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital

My mom and step dad had stepped out to go eat lunch while I slept, (they gave me more dilotted). A different Resident doctor came in and asked me what my pain level was. I said an 8, and he said “You ready to go home?” I said I’d need to talk to my mom, who had also called Stanford’s doctor on call to see what we should do.

A new doctor came on duty at 7:00pm. My mom asked her if they could just discharge us and we’d go to Stanford the next morning. They agreed, but we didn’t get out of there until about 9:00pm. More waiting, and waiting, and waiting!

So, Monday we called Beth, my surgery coordinator. She said to come strait to Stanford’s ED so they could get an IV in me right away. I already felt like I was going to blackout again, just from being off the IV and liquids since 8:30 the night before. Dehydration is crazy stuff to mess with!

We got to Stanford, ended up having to use a wheelchair to get to the ED because I couldn’t walk straight. Beth had called ahead and told them I was coming, they got me right in and a doctor came in immediately after we were put in a room. Right away they put an IV in, drew some blood for tests, did a urine test, and then we were waiting for them to do all the admitting papers and find me a room.

I ended up in the exact same room I was in before! What are the chances of that happening?!?

I had (and still have) a whole surgery team working on my case. I have really stumped all the doctors this time. Of course, leave it to me! That has been the story of my life…unfortunately.

So, in these last two weeks, I have had…

Two CT Scans (one at UC Davis, one at Stanford)

One Stomach X-ray

One Upper GI test (or Barium Swallow Test)

Five blood tests

Several pokes to my gut/chest wall by several different doctors trying to figure out where/why/what my pain is

And of course…they all came back normal. Which is great, in a way. It means there’s no leak from my stomach, no twisted intestine, no hernia that needs emergency surgery. But, it also means that there is no explanation for the pain that I am still having that keeps getting worse.

One of the resident doctors came in and told me to “get out of bed and live my life like a normal teenager.” Yeah lady, I would LOVE to worry about “normal teenager” stuff…trust me!!! I do NOT want to be in this stupid hospital bed! And she pretty much implied that it was all in my head. I, and my mom were so frustrated. We told the Chief Resident doctor and he said he would “talk to her” and didn’t sound very happy about it at all. This was on Thursday, April 2nd (yes we were STILL at the hospital).

The whole time I was in the hospital they had me on Clear Liquids, which still hurt to drink but I could keep down okay. When  I went home on Friday afternoon, they told me to just drink whatever I could get in. So, that’s what I’ve been doing.

Then, we had my post op appointment yesterday, April 8th. I saw Beth, Dr. Dutta (one of my surgeons), Ning (my nutritionist), and Dr. Bernard (the psychologist). Dr. Dutta thinks I may have cracked or fractured a rib while in surgery, because of all the instruments they used. That explains part of the pain, but not the pain from when I drink.

They put me back on the full liquid diet ( I had started to VERY slowly introduce pureed foods, which I would just throw up). However, today I have been drinking my protein shake from GNC, and I tried Boost Glucose Control (it has vitamins and protein in it and my nutritionists recommend it). And just about anything liquid has been coming back up too. This really scares me and I don’t know what to do.

I HAVE to drink even though it hurts. I can’t get dehydrated again, or I’ll end up back in the hospital. This, I have come to conclusions about. But what do I do now that I can’t keep barely any liquids down?

My mom is going to call Beth tomorrow and see what she says. We were supposed to touch bases in one week and then in two weeks if the pain wasn’t better they might do a Laproscopic procedure and a scope on my new and old stomach and intestines…the fun never ends does it?

Keep the prayers and encouragement coming! And thanks for taking the time to read this very long update!

Always,

Kaitlyn

Some pictures of Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital…

2 Days After…Getting Home From The Hospital?

Hello to everyone who has been reading my blog. I have been admitted back into the hospital from 3/27 – 4/3. It has been a long, exhausting adventure of frustration and pain and tears along the way. I will update you all when I get enough energy up to write out all the details.

I am still in pain, and we go back on Wednesday for my one month follow up, so we’ll see what happens then. They think I have a stomach ulcer and put me on Aciphex for it, but if it doesn’t go away I may have to go to a GI doctor.

Keep the prayers coming, they are much appreciated!

Always,

Kaitlyn

15 Days After Gastric Bypass Surgery

I’ve been doing pretty good lately. I had an appointment on the 25th with the Physical Therapist, Nutritionist, Psychiatrist, and Surgeon and Nurse. It all went very well and they said to keep doing what I’m doing. Mostly working on exercise, getting enough fluids in and getting enough protein in. I have lost 20 pounds so far, in about three weeks.

However, last night at about 1:00am, I started getting a stabbing pain in my stomach. I don’t know why or what is causing it. We went to my primary care doctor today and she ordered an Urgent ultrasound of my abdomen, but I can’t get that done until Monday at the earliest because of insurance approval.

The pain hasn’t let up, even with Liquid Vicodin every four hours. I can’t get any liquids down because I feel extremely sick and nauseous when I do drink, and then my pain gets worse. Even when I drink the medicine. Definitely 10/10 on a 1-10 scale of pain. I just hope I do NOT end up back in the hospital on an IV because I can’t get fluids down. It’s always got to be something that goes wrong, right? At least with me it does!

This next week is going to be a rough one, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Always,
Kaitlyn

8 Days After…Gastric Bypass Surgery

My surgery was March 12th at 7:30 am. I was very nervous and scared, and hadn’t slept at ALL the night before. Reality really hit me as soon as we walked into the hospital. I didn’t feel ready at all…but ready or not it was coming!

So, they checked my vitals and all that good stuff, I had to change into those icky hospital gown and the socks. If you know me well, you know I hate those stinking hospital socks!!! It took just two tries to get the first IV in. Yes, the first. I woke up with another in my other hand, and 8 puncture spots on my wrist wrapped in a thing of gauze. I later found out that this was used to give me blood pressure medicine during surgery.

After the surgery, I was in recovery for a long time. If it wasn’t for me asking for my mom, they wouldn’t of let her back for a couple more hours. My blood pressure kept getting higher and higher, because my pain was so bad. At one point it was 250/200! I woke up saying “It HURTS!” Which in answer they just gave me more morphine…which still wasn’t helping the pain.

So they put me on dilotted, which was just knocking me out, but I would wake up in a 10/10 pain still. So they put me on Oxycodone and Perkaset (spelling?) for now for every three hours. I have already been told by a couple friends to be very careful with Oxycodone. I should be off of it in ten days or so. I’m just glad my pain is tolerable now!

I ended up staying in the hospital until Tuesday March 17th. The pain specialists couldn’t get my pain under control. I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain. Each day has gotten a little bit better. I can get up with a little less soreness each morning, which is wonderful! I’m on the liquid diet right now, until next Wednesday. I go to my first follow up appointment Wednesday the 25th.

So far, besides the soreness and pain of the new stomach, I haven’t had anymore major pain. No nausea…yet. I’m still on the liquid diet so we’ll see if that changes when I start eating actual food. I am loving this feeling of not feeling hungry at all! It makes it challenging to get the protein in when you’re not hungry though. That goes back to eating to live, not living to eat!

All I can say is thank God for pudding, yogurt, and soup!My incisions are driving me crazy as they start healing. They’re extremely itchy!!!

This is going to be a journey full of major changes and challenges… Anyone care to join me?

Always,

Kaitlyn