1.13.12 January 14, 2012

A lot has happened in just a little over a month. Birthdays, Christmas, New Years, and of course, more doctors and procedures.

My 20th birthday was good, my friend/sister Kathleen came and stayed at our house for the 16th and 17th. I had a little party on the 17th and that was really fun. It was good to see all my friends that were able to come. It made me realize that I don’t have many friends that live in Sacramento, but the few I have are very good friends!

Christmas was okay…it was different, and I tend not to be a big fan of changes, but as my brothers and I get older, changes are being made in everyone’s lives. Brandon had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas day (the joys of being a Police Officer) so neither he or Angie was at our house for Christmas. It felt weird to me, like something was missing. But we were able to have them at our house on Tuesday after Christmas, so at least I got to see them then. They got me a Piano Keyboard! It’s awesome. I absolutely love it! I taught myself some songs already…but what I really want is to learn how to read music. I’m working on it…I used to read music all the time for band but I guess I have to relearn it.  I taught myself how to play Bella’s Lullaby from Twilight from watching YouTube videos of people playing.

One thing I was surprised about was the amount of presents I got. I expected this year to be worse off than any other year had been, but I think I got more this year than a lot of Christmases in the past! I really don’t care about presents. I just want to be with my family – mostly Brandon, Angie, my mom and grandparents. So it kind of threw me off when I got so many gifts. I won’t go into detail about what I got for my birthday or Christmas. Too much stuff! Not that I don’t love it…I just love my friends and family more than materialistic things.

My mom’s birthday is December 29th, four days after Christmas. It was pretty laid back. A couple of her friends came over for dinner, though she was still out of it from having her gallbladder removed on the 20th…which ended up being a much longer recovery than a few days (which I warned her about, but of course doctors know more than me, who has personal experience with a Cholecystectomy). It is still hard to see someone else in pain. I’m used to taking all of my own pain but seeing my mom hurt is really tough. I bet she feels similar when she sees me hurting.

As far as my health goes…well it’s not great. I’ve still been having a lot of stomach pain but have been trying to ignore it. Doctors did multiple tests and found nothing. However my Internal Medicine Doc from UC Davis wanted to do one more Endoscopy(EGD) to make sure my stomach ulcers weren’t bleeding again. They took biopsies while they were in there this last time, January 6th. My doctor called me yesterday and left a message telling me I tested positive for H. Pylori. Oh, so I don’t have a phantom pain! Stupid doctors. This explains so much! I’m hoping that now I can get on the right antibiotics and hopefully get rid of this infection which probably caused the ulcers in the first place! I’m also puzzled as to why it took them four endoscopy procedures to find it and/or decide to biopsy my stomach. I have been tested several times for H. Pylori with blood tests but they always came up negative. Apparently it was just barely noticeable enough that a blood test couldn’t detect it. Go figure.

Oh, and another thing about my health. My Mirena IUD was expelled from my body again…this is the third one it has happened with but this one didn’t even last 5 months. My Primary care doctor sent me back to the OB/GYN to get another one, but I’m going to talk to Dr. Rose (GYN) about other options. This being my 3rd IUD to do this seems kind of ridiculous to put in another.

My mom and I are trying this new meal plan called Body by Vi. It’s not just a protein drink, it has a lot of nutrition in it, almost like an Ensure or Boost. I drink the shake for two meals and eat the third, plus eat three snacks in between. So far I haven’t been so great at the eating part…I find just drinking the shake so much easier but we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it doesn’t cause any eating disorder flare ups.

I’ve also been fighting…a lot…with the depression and anxiety. I didn’t do much of anything for about two weeks besides stay in my room and sleep. This past week I have made a huge effort to get out of the house and do something everyday, even if it’s just going to the store or going for a walk. Getting up and out of the house is the key.

I also want to mention Jessie, a 12 year old whom I only spoke with a few times, but made such a great impact on my life. Jessica Joy Rees went to Heaven on 1.5.12. She had two cancerous brain tumors. But she didn’t let that get her down, she decided to help other kids fighting cancer and started The NEGU Foundation (Never Ever Give Up). Jessie inspired me to NEGU and I will never forget this. http://negu.org/ Visit this and Jessie’s Website for more information on this amazing girl!

School will be starting on Tuesday, so wish me luck! I will be taking 17 units this semester.

NEGU,

Kaitlyn

 

12.6.11 I Am NOT Giving Up, Not Now. December 6, 2011

I know I haven’t been writing much. I think whenever I am not doing well, I stop writing regularly. Some days the depression is so bad I just don’t have the motivation to do anything, much less write about myself. I’ve been fighting hard with the depression. I wish it would just go away and I could be “normal,” whatever that means. It has to be better than this.

But, this is the life I was given. The cards I was dealt, if you will. It may not seem like it is a fair play now, but in the end, I believe it will make me stronger. I have learned so much about myself throughout the past few years, and throughout the 15 years in therapy. It has helped me become who I am today. I have not cut in almost 18 months. I still struggle sometimes. I have bad days, bad weeks, and sometimes even bad months. But I also have good days, good weeks and good months!

When you feel so low that you have lost all hope; when you feel like you have nothing, that nobody is there for you or could care, it seems that nothing could ever make you feel happy again. You just want to numb out. Even possibly to die or cease to exist.  That is when you need to look up. Let God take your problems, because they are way too big for you, or even a friend, therapist, or any professional to handle completely. God may not calm the storm, but he will carry you through it. You just have to trust Him. Which I am having a very hard time doing lately.

 

I am human. I make mistakes. Sometimes I make big mistakes…a couple nights ago I made a big mistake. I feel like I should keep it to myself because when I do tell people I’m struggling, it worries them. It freaks them out, or they get angry. Not many understand what it feels like to be in that spot where you feel you have no other options but to numb out the pain.

I went to Chico with my mom this last Sunday. I met up with a friend that I had met back in 5th Grade, but we just recently reconnected through Facebook. She is amazing. It was so neat to see her again after five years. We have both grown up a lot. It was like meeting someone you knew, but so much can go on in five years, you are walking in to meet a whole different person. Something is magical about it, I can’t explain. I instantly felt at ease with her. I thank God for bringing her and her amazing husband into my life just at the pivotal time. May our friendship flourish and continually grow!

It has been a whole year since my goodbyes with Erica and River Oak. Crazy how time flies. Only 10 days until my birthday. And three more classes till Christmas break from school!

Later,

KJ

 

11.25.11 December 4, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m sitting in the car on the way home from Chico. Brought my laptop in the car to watch movies but got bored with that so I turned up some music. Figured I would write a blog since I haven’t been writing much lately. There really isn’t a whole lot to write about it seems, or I’ve just been too down to find the energy to write.

 

I’m only going to see Laura one more time to “wrap things up.” I’m really torn about ending therapy, I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I also feel like it isn’t really helping anymore anyways. I don’t want to start over with someone else, that much I know. I just hate goodbyes so much. I can’t believe it will be one year since Erica left In just over a week. That’s crazy!

 

I’m excited to catch up with an old friend hopefully on the 4^th. We have known each other since 5^th grade but I haven’t seen her in about 4 years!

 

Not a whole lot of news on the health side of things. Looks like I have to wait until March for this surgery I need done, it may even be longer. I’m just trying to get on with my life and not let it affect me!

 

I registered for classes for next semester. I am signed up for 18 Units, 6 classes. Two of them are online so it shouldn’t be too hard. I could probably get by without even buying the books. I never read them anyways…and still get A’s and B’s. Hell yes!

 

Christmas is going to be really tough this year…we are staying home and Brandon and Angie won’t be with us. I am going to miss them a LOT. My grandparents are coming from Chico and my other brother Ryan is coming with is girlfriend.. I guess my stepdad Doug’s sister and her whole family is coming too. I miss when we had Christmas at my Grandparent’s house. I don’t like all these changes that are going on, but I know that’s just too bad for me. Life changes. I just wasn’t expecting it this soon I guess.

 

I saw the movie “To Save A Life” last night. We have had the DVD for a while but I just recently got really into watching movies. It is a very powerful movie and I highly recommend it! It hit very close to home and I was crying throughout. I haven’t ever cried watching a movie before, except Marley & Me.

 

I also saw the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 movie twice. I LOVED it. I am suddenly finding myself very much loving Twilight. The books are better than the movies, except the last movie. They did a very nice job using lines from the book in this last one so I think it’s a tie between movie and book.

 

Well, we are almost home now. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and have many things to be thankful for. I know I do!

 

Later,

KJ

11.14.11 November 14, 2011

Gatsby

 

Life has definitely been crazy. Still going to never-ending doctor appointments trying to figure out this pain. I was in the hospital most of last week (I guess that IS a never-ending doctor appointment, HA!) They did some more tests, a HIDA scan of my liver, which showed a slight abnormality but nothing that would be causing my pain. Okay, so there is something wrong with my liver, but it’s not important…? Oy. I don’t get it.

They also did a full EGD and Colonoscopy while I was in the hospital. I had to drink a gallon of nasty thick salty liquid that was supposed to taste like pineapple. Blech.

They found ulcers on both ends, which may explain the bleeding but they’re not sure. I have to go back for another procedure in three months. Oh joy. I am just hoping they will do the right procedure this time.

See, I went and saw a G.I. doctor the Friday before I ended up in the hospital. Her name is Dr. Mann and though she was fairly nice in the office, I’m not sure what to think of her bedside manner. I clearly told her about my pain, how long, where, etc. She wants to do an EGD, Colonoscopy, and another procedure called a Double Balloon Enteroscopy. She said she wanted to do all this under General Anesthesia because the Double Balloon Enteroscopy is sometimes painful. (Especially considering that I always wake up with the Conscious Sedation and try to pull the tubes out. It’s just a reaction to the discomfort of the tube down my throat, I very briefly remember it. I do remember this time I woke up with restraints on! Ha.) But they could not, for some reason, get an anesthesiologist until March, so Dr. Mann called me and said she would schedule the procedure for under Conscious Sedation in January. I tried to explain to her that I could NOT wait that long because my pain had gotten worse. She said that she couldn’t do anything, and told me to go to the ER. So, I did and they admitted me. But they only did part of the tests I needed, so now I have to drink that nasty stuff all over again. Now I just have to wait until they get an appointment for the right procedures with General Anesthesia.

Seriously…I am 19, I should not have to be fighting with doctors! I had a doctor appointment today with Dr Sokol and I was explaining to her everything they did in the hospital. She was surprised I know as much as I do. I have to be involved in my health care, it is my body, I want to know what they are doing to me! On a little brighter note, my iron levels are way up. They were at 4 and now it is over 120! Think they overdid it much? Haha well, at least I’m not passing out all the time!

The doctors keep giving me all these different pain medications because none of them have helped so far. I just gave up on taking them altogether. I don’t want them to mask the pain, I want to figure out what is causing it in the first place. So for now, I’m dealing as best I can without any relief. I am afraid the pain will keep building up and building up until I am in tears like last time, but even when that happened, I was taking Morphine pills. It’s a lost cause really.

The semester is almost over, thank God! Just four more weeks. I can handle that.

I just found out my therapist, Laura is “taking a break” from therapy. I’m torn about it but I do not want another therapist. I seriously think 17 is enough.

More Later,

KJ

10.21.11 October 21, 2011

 

Dear Erica,

Why do I still miss you so much? I hate this feeling. It feels like…like a hole ripped through my chest. I keep trying to patch it up but nothing quite heals it…

I find that especially now, going through more health issues, I miss you the most. I am having a lot of pain in my upper right side of my abdomen that has become more persistent, and then constant. It is getting worse, despite strong pain medications, which, to be honest is scaring the crap out of me.

Throughout this past week, I have gotten almost every imaginable medical test  you can get. Or so it seems. Two ultrasounds, three different blood draws, one urine test, one X-Ray, and one CT Scan. And of course, everything turned out normal. So Dr. Sokol is going to send an urgent referral over to the G.I. Doctors, but I don’t think they will be able to help me either…

I am trying to hold onto the little bit of hope I still have but it is dwindling fast. I am so very tired of my body not working. I know everything happens for a reason and this is all part of a plan, but seriously, I need a little break!

My doctor mentioned admitting me to the hospital yesterday if the pain got worse. I am currently waiting for her to call me back and figure out where to go from there.

Later,

KJ

10.16.11 October 16, 2011

Haven’t been in the writing mood much lately. This last week was crazy busy! Spent a lot of time over at U.C. Davis Hospital for various things. First was my infusion, which started to make me nauseous before the IV was even done. Lovely. Then I saw my doctor, Dr. Sokol the next day for a bunch of different things. I really like her, she does a very, very good job at what she does. She puts up with me, too so that says a lot! Ha.

So I saw Dr. Sokol on Thursday for a pain I have been having nonstop under my right ribcage and it started radiating through to my back. Neither she or the attending doctor could know for sure what it was. They ordered an ultrasound and blood-work. They are guessing it is either the bile duct (don’t have my gallbladder anymore) or my kidneys. So, we shall see what happens there. I had to go back to UC Davis yesterday because the pharmacy would not fill my prescription, so I had to get that settled. While I was there I got my blood work done and picked up my new pair of glasses I got. They are black with sparkles down the sides.

Not much else is new. Just keeping up with school and trying to get some work done around the house when I can.

I will update more soon,

KJ

10.9.11 October 9, 2011

Emotions are overwhelming me lately. I don’t really know what to do with them or how to cope. So I have been sleeping a lot, in between reading textbooks and classes and doctor appointments. I hate how some of the emotions seem to have a death grip on me, or have me in a choke-hold of some disgusting sort. Just waiting for that moment of weakness where I give up and let the dark feelings overwhelm me and take over my life again. So NOT going to happen.

One thing that is puzzling me is why I continue to miss Erica so much. I really do not think I will ever understand it. At least not until I have clients of my own…way down the road. I still think she doesn’t miss me or think of me. The other day I had convinced myself that she didn’t even remember me anymore. What got me thinking that, I have no clue. I’m sure if I went in to drop off journals she would remember me…right? I don’t know anymore. All I know is I wish that I could just make this heartache go away. It’s like having a hole in my chest that won’t heal. The best way I know to make it feel better is to stay as far away from River Oak as possible. Maybe I can just mail the journals over there or something. I hate this. This whole situation. It’s hard to describe to friends, they ask “Why can’t you just keep seeing Erica? or Why can’t you talk to her anymore, I don’t get it?” I don’t understand it either, all I know is it is a County/Agency law about closing a case with a client and no further contact. Something like that.

Tomorrow I see Laura…I don’t really have much to talk about though. We always seem to come up with something. I might bring my binder from Center For Discovery. I was thumbing through it this evening and it brought up a lot of memories.

For now, that’s all I have to share…hoping tomorrow I can find more things to have eucharisteo for.

~KJ

10.5.11 October 6, 2011

Yesterday was a big day. I spent, literally, my whole day at UC Davis Hospital. Fun, right? Hah!

First up on the schedule was my endoscopy. I was scheduled at 10:30am, didn’t go back until 1:00pm. The doctors and nurses I had this time around were all amazing! Thank goodness. I told a few of them about what happened last time. I insisted my mom go into the prep room with me and they allowed it. That helped with my anxiety a LOT just having support there. No panic attacks this time!

I had two nurses help me go to sleep and give me medications this time. It was much better, calmer, peaceful almost. My nurse was told by the GI Fellow Doctor working with me what had happened last time around and as soon as they wheeled me into the room she hugged me and said “I’ll take care of you honey!” And kissed me on the forehead. She was so sweet, an angel sent to help me find peace! I was so scared I was going to be awake this time, but I went to sleep just fine. Yay! They gave me phenergan via IV before they started the actual meds so that helped too.

I did wake up with the tube down my throat and gagged a little. I remember the doctor and nurse trying to calm me down because I kind of freaked out and tried to pull the tube and mouth guard off. But then I fell back asleep and woke up as soon as I was in recovery. They made me wait to get up though even though I wanted to fight it. I kept falling asleep and waking up, then my mom was there staring at me everytime I woke up, right in my face! I faintly remember yelling at her to stop staring at me and then passed out again. My poor mom puts up with so much from me through all these tests and trials with my body. I’m sorry mommy, I love you so so much and appreciate you for being there for me. I love you.

Right after the endoscopy we had to drive over to the UC Davis Cancer Center for my infusion (second one out of five or maybe six). I slept through almost the whole thing. Except for them putting the IV in. Combining both the endoscopy and the infusion IVs I was poked 5 times. Yeah it hurts, but I’ve been through way worse. I just breath through it and don’t even flinch. The nurses kept asking if I was indeed, okay. I guess a lot of people pass out on them. Naw, I stare and watch what they’re doing. It’s fascinating! The only veins they could find were ones in my wrist. They sting like a son of a gun but luckily I didn’t have to have them in very long and they worked. Now I have bruises on five different spots on my arms! O.o

And of course to add to the mess called my body, I’m having problems with cramps and bleeding again. Oy. I have to say though, I love my doctor at UC Davis. She does an amazing job and really cares. Dr Randi Sokol, thank you! The last two nights she has called me in the evening to return my calls. I am having nausea and chills again from the infusion, but I don’t want to stop the treatments so I’m just going to get through them. Only 3 or 4 more. So Dr Sokol called in medicine to the pharmacy for nausea to help get me through.

I’m feeling anxious and heavy hearted tonight…probably for a number of reasons. I feel really bad for the way I treat my mom sometimes when I don’t feel well. She’s always there for me through everything and I really want her to know that I appreciate and love her. My actions say otherwise…I hope that I can explain that it is something I do want to change and don’t mean anything by.

Also really missing Erica today. Probably because I’m going through more trials and want someone to talk to…who knows. I almost don’t remember what her voice sounds like. That is a scary thought to me, but I guess that is part of moving on. People fade out of our lives. Eucharisteo for the time I did have with her and the help she gave me.

By the way, I am almost to 16 months of no self-harm! Going strong!

This song brings out a lot of emotions for me…not sure why but it’s a great song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em8EAHrW9fY

More Later,

KJ

10.4.11 October 4, 2011

I wake up to my alarm at 6:33am. The sun is shining through my bedroom window. I get out of bed and look out the window for the day’s weather forecast. It’s overcast with a high chance of rain. I dress accordingly to go to a long day of school and a therapy appointment that evening. I get my backpack ready to go and head off for school.

First class was good. My Professor for Child Psychology is awesome and keeps my attention. I know I’m in trouble when I have a hard time focusing in her class. I rub my forehead, will my brain to work with me today. Please just let me get through the school day, I pray. I find this is something I often pray on school days. Between my first and second class, I check my messages on my phone. Two missed calls. One from my therapist, Laura, saying she needs to cancel tonight. Bummer. I always enjoy my Laura talks, but I understand that we are only human and have to know our limits. Second missed call is from my Primary Care Physician, who is now back after being gone for a month. Thank God she is back! Dr. Sokol is amazing at what she does, and is a huge help to me. She had called to discuss my Infusions and ask about my side effects, asked if I wanted to stop the treatment. I say no, I have to give it a chance to work. I told her I would see how tomorrow goes after the second infusion is done.

After my second class, Women In History, I am tempted to just leave for the day. Two more classes to go, I have to get through. I argue with myself. Have to save the sick days for when you really need them. So I pushed through the day.

My fourth class, we have a substitute teacher. Thank God for movies. Ironically it is a movie about memory and the brain. I try and will myself to focus on the movie, or at least look like I’m watching it. A guy one seat away from me is sucking on a toothpick. The sound is distracting. I look at the girl in between us and we just laugh and roll our eyes. Boys will be boys.

On the way home, I stop and buy a new Journal and some colored pens. I recently finished reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. In the book she keeps a journal of eucharisteo moments and things in life. Eucharisteo is a Greek word meaning to give thanks, or to be thankful. I decide to start a Eucharisteo Journal of my own.

I hope it will help me through all these medical tests and procedures. Tomorrow is another Endoscopy, and right after that my second Infusion treatment. I pray that all goes well. I know God always is with me and He always works things out in the end.

I get home and inside. Past the two wiggling dogs, they’re shaking with happiness. Remind me to be happy for the little things in life, like your loved ones coming home. Eucharisteo.

I debate whether to take a nap or not. I lay down and rest, but not sleep. I decide to push myself and go to the Guide Dog Puppy meeting tonight. There are three new puppies in the club and I haven’t met them yet. They are as cute, if not cuter than I even imagined them to be. The smell of puppy breath is good for one’s soul.

I leave the meeting, only realizing as I get in the car and start the engine how late it is and how exhausted I am. I start driving towards home and think. Always thinking. Another puppy raiser who also goes to my church spoke with me briefly before I left. Words she said shook me. Made me realize I was, indeed, alive. Alive. Take care of yourself. She told me in a matter of fact tone. A tone that didn’t question whether I was or was not doing a good job of that today, or the day before. She didn’t have to be told. She just knew. Her hug and deep understanding without words made me want to cry. I want to cry in apology for not taking care of myself, cry with a promise that I will try, and cry with love and appreciation for her friendship and love. My heart feels eucharisteo for her being there for me.

I continue the drive towards home. There is something about driving in the rain that calms me, quiets me. Instead of singing with the music of my Taylor Swift CD, I just listen. I listen to the words of the song, the rain pit pattering on the windshield, the wiper blades swishing back and forth. I take it all in and think. I think about tomorrow. I worry about what will happen during the procedure. If I will be awake again for the entire thing. If the infusion will give me extreme nausea again. But what good does worry do, except make me sick? Nothing. I try to give thanks for having doctors available. For healthcare provided to me. It doesn’t come easy.

The brake lights of the car in front of me snap me back to the present moment. They kindly remind me to stay away from the car in front of me, and jolt me awake. I am driving? Oh God, I am driving… This has happened a few times when I drive. An ambulance rushes past me and I think of how easily that could have been me they were rushing towards. I try to avoid driving as much as possible lately, hoping the Infusions will kick in soon. I hate fighting to focus and stay awake every second of the day. Sleep, it is much easier. No thinking involved really. But it sure doesn’t get you far in life.

I’m sitting here looking at my empty journal. I think it is time to turn some of this anxiety into some eucharisteo.

Goodnight All,

~Kaitlyn

10.2.11 October 2, 2011

Happy October! I can’t believe there are only 3 more months in the year. Insane!

I got my first Infusion treatment on Wednesday the 28th. It went well, no extreme side effects during the process. However, the past four days I have been having side effects. Mostly nausea and chills. It’s no picnic but I know these infusions will help me eventually. I have to go back to the UC Davis Cancer Center once a week for the next five weeks. Lovely. At least it’s just through an IV. The boring part is sitting there waiting for the drip to finish.

School is going pretty good. I went into my US Government test feeling totally unprepared but I did okay. 9 more weeks to go! I can do this! School actually hasn’t been terribly hard, considering everything else going on, physically and emotionally.

I’m reading this book called “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. Laura loaned it to me and it helped pass the time during my first infusion which took almost five hours because they had to make sure I didn’t have any reactions. This book is amazing. I’m almost done with it. It’s about eucharisteo, a Greek word meaning “To give thanks, or to be thankful.” Be thankful for everything in every single moment, even the “Ugly-beautiful” things. Reading this book and also rewriting some bible verses in my journal has given me some strength to keep going.

This Wednesday is going to be hard. Early Wednesday morning I have another endoscopy, and then have to go to the Cancer Center immediately following for my second infusion treatment. I still don’t know if they plan on using more drugs or the same doses as last time to put me to sleep. I do know that if I get the same nurse I had last time, I am going to ask for a different nurse. I did not appreciate being thrown around like that.

More Later,

KJ