I know I haven’t been writing much. I think whenever I am not doing well, I stop writing regularly. Some days the depression is so bad I just don’t have the motivation to do anything, much less write about myself. I’ve been fighting hard with the depression. I wish it would just go away and I could be “normal,” whatever that means. It has to be better than this.
But, this is the life I was given. The cards I was dealt, if you will. It may not seem like it is a fair play now, but in the end, I believe it will make me stronger. I have learned so much about myself throughout the past few years, and throughout the 15 years in therapy. It has helped me become who I am today. I have not cut in almost 18 months. I still struggle sometimes. I have bad days, bad weeks, and sometimes even bad months. But I also have good days, good weeks and good months!
When you feel so low that you have lost all hope; when you feel like you have nothing, that nobody is there for you or could care, it seems that nothing could ever make you feel happy again. You just want to numb out. Even possibly to die or cease to exist. That is when you need to look up. Let God take your problems, because they are way too big for you, or even a friend, therapist, or any professional to handle completely. God may not calm the storm, but he will carry you through it. You just have to trust Him. Which I am having a very hard time doing lately.
I am human. I make mistakes. Sometimes I make big mistakes…a couple nights ago I made a big mistake. I feel like I should keep it to myself because when I do tell people I’m struggling, it worries them. It freaks them out, or they get angry. Not many understand what it feels like to be in that spot where you feel you have no other options but to numb out the pain.
I went to Chico with my mom this last Sunday. I met up with a friend that I had met back in 5th Grade, but we just recently reconnected through Facebook. She is amazing. It was so neat to see her again after five years. We have both grown up a lot. It was like meeting someone you knew, but so much can go on in five years, you are walking in to meet a whole different person. Something is magical about it, I can’t explain. I instantly felt at ease with her. I thank God for bringing her and her amazing husband into my life just at the pivotal time. May our friendship flourish and continually grow!
It has been a whole year since my goodbyes with Erica and River Oak. Crazy how time flies. Only 10 days until my birthday. And three more classes till Christmas break from school!
Later,
KJ
